two u's?

I've vacuumed, (I've always wondered why there are two u's in there...you don't see two u's in consumed, which sounds the same...consuumed...see? sounds as though that consuumed garnered a higher score on the scale) prepped for using my favorite floor cleaning machine, even found out where to buy the cleaner I swore they no longer made - only to discover that while J was leaving this morning? In his haste to get to his house and move mulch around? I knocked it over, and now? (take a wild guess)

It doesn't work.

First, I'd like to point out that you'll never find me running to spread mulch. Truth be told, you won't find me running for the fun of it to start (I run so as having something to bitch about, while trying to locate my missing abs; it also perfects my standing as Actively Participating In Fatty-pant's Diet Plan) and I for damn sure do not find heaving around great heaping shovels full of smelly cedar bark exciting.

In fact, I detest the scent of cedar. Yes, I realize, those of us with cashmere tendencies usually adore the stuff.....I HATE it. Cedar closets. Cedar hangers. Cedar chests. I particularly detest it as mulch: freshly delivered, in an enormous pile, mocking the owners in it's exacting announcement that You've Not Spread The Mulch Yet.

Hmm. Seem to have left the thread I had going.

Right.

The next appliance I do believe has seen it's final end here at My House, The Great Hospice For All Things Electronic. What kills me? I knocked it over as J was in such a hurry to get his mulch groove on before a predicted storm...which then never came. Oh, I'm sure he's freaking thrilled with his work; the garden shall indeed look splendid, simply splendid, with it's fresh coverings...but I won't see that.

No ma'am.

I'll see the forlorn no longer drooling out it's water appropriately floor cleaner that I've had so long they no longer make them; or at least, you must special order them. I checked. I can get a new one; quite pricey now though. Not at all the great whopping steal I got mine for, years ago. So what if I ran out of cleaner, could find no one that carried it, and switched to white vinegar?

Pucker Up most likely prefers the vinegar anyway. Ten years ago, no one really gave any thought to what Fido, Baxter, or whatever ridiculously named animal might think of the noxious odors wafting off shiny floors. Perhaps that's why ten years ago people's dogs were so much calmer. They were high.

Either way?

I've floors lacking my standard of shininess - as Angus isn't due to visit for a bit, this is the perfect time to spiff up the flooring. He does loathe perfectly finished shiny floors. Big baby. I considered dragging back out the equally old, equally On It's Last Legs Swiffer Wet Jet; but then, really? It kind of smears the Landing Dog Fur around, it doesn't suck it off the floor so I can flush it down the toilet.

ps: RJ at True Value told me to flush it. Otherwise, it clogs up sinks, in particular a garbage disposal.

Now may not be the best time to ask me how I know that.

I'm trying to stay focused on one appliance at a time. Equality, and all that jazz. Plus also? I own a back up garbage disposal, aka: Puck Up. She'll eat anything, has proven it, so certainly a few extra table droppings won't hurt her....although I did just spend quite a few months dragging us further than usual, longer than usual, and at greater speeds than usual so as to locate her waist.

I really hate to lose all that progress, because I've destroyed - ahem - challenged - my disposal to a feat it's incapable of. Again, not dwelling on that.

Dwelling instead of conversation with J, that went along the lines of, does it make a specific noise when the water comes out, and is it not doing it now?

No, it sounds just the same.

Are you sure?

Yes, dammit, I sure.

Really? If something broke, maybe the water line interiorly, there should perhaps be an alternate noise; even a really subtle one?

I'd grit my teeth, but since my jaw's hurting already (thus limiting my ability to bark) I thought I'd keep it simple: if fell. It's broken. Get over here and fix it before I lose my head.

No need to swear, darling; I can look at it. No promises (which means he may not even know how the thing works, but he'll give it the Good Old College Try - the kind where he looks exactly as though he knows what he's doing - the last time I tried that? One of my boobs got smacked so hard it came out my back)

To top off the evening, as we're having that conversation, I unplugged my phone charger from the wall (I suppose that was unnecessary; where else does one find a plug?) only to discover upon inspection?

One of the metal tines is still in the socket.

I mention this casually to J, still on the phone debating the possible issues with the floor cleaner; he actually told me to leave it alone. Something about it still conducting electricity, blah blah blah, no, you may not, under any circumstances use your fancy pants rubber gloves as shock absorbing properties to dig out metal thing from plug; no, do not use the toast tongs like you just suggested. Wood still conducts electricity - not as well as metal, or water; but you could get zapped. Best to simply ignore the tine sticking out of the wall, push in the sofa to ensure everyones safety - like I'm some sort of complete idiot.

Honestly.

I wonder if he realizes that while he's carrying on with his Safety First....something about turning off a breaker (does he not realize my laptop was dying? that all my books, my water, my ...everything ...was right next to me, so obviously I'm going to plug in right there?) ...I gave my Actively Listening Face a whirl on the phone, while I donned rubber gloves, grabbed toast tongs, and pried that sucker right out of the socket.

I'm thrilled beyond measure I didn't get zapped. (God, how humiliating would that have been? Gee, honey, could you come get me? I just charred my arm off while totally ignoring you, I think perhaps the ER might want to take a look at this, and could you get my stylist on the phone? My hair's looking especially freakish...)

I left it alone, on the floor, just in case, you know, it's still all electrically charged or something; the toast tongs are away, the rubber gloves back dressing up the sink where they belong... I figure when he asks, tool belt at the ready, one of those electric measuring gadgets in his hand (I think he said the good tools were black? or yellow? Christ. I really ought to pay more attention to some of these details) why it's lying on the floor, I can come up with something really clever.

Clearly, quite far from the I Donned Rubber Gloves and Used Toast Tongs at the same time you were lecturing - er - filling me in on why that could be exceptionally dangerous.

In case you were wondering?

Even though you had to pull string, wads of whatnot out of the brushes that were clogging the vacuum?

It works just fine.

Though I'm still just as confused as to why it has two u's in it.