Snactch Surfing

My son has fallen asleep, tv on; the puppy, wedged up against me, while I'm studying (as you can see, quite ...uh....studiously) - except wedged doesn't cover it.

Sort of, on top of me. While next to me. Pressed into the ribcage so that perhaps, I'm being smothered from the side by a very small dog.

Embarrassing newspaper title: Local Woman Smothered By Bitch.

I've nudge, pushed, shifted positions, all in an effort to dislodge 25+ pounds of fur - apparently, Stubborness adds about 50 pounds to her backside. Add in the dug in nails, and I might as well give her the whole damn bed... Holy Christ, she's licking her Ooh-Whoo using my ribcage as a leaning post!!

ARRGGGHHHHHHH!!!

At this very moment in time?

I'd be totally okay to go back to where she was simply smothering me.

Knowing that she was cleaning out her pink parts while snuggled into me?

Wait a sec - I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Soooo not okay. You have a kennel; that's the kind of thing you do in private, unless you're having a spa day - even then? It's just you and the lovely spa lady. It's not, say, your family all hovering around waiting for the big moment when the cuff gets a trim to match the collar, if you get my drift.

Quite unladylike.

Indeed.

I'm your owner, who's expressed things from your backside (only in a tub, wearing gloves, while watching how to on youtube.com - fyi? the part about don't do this at home if you're not sure what you're doing? yeah, I ignored that part again - did manage it, but...leave to professionals if you can afford to do so), gone to dinner, with one of your friends, where I had to give you two - not one, TWO! baths on the back deck because you didn't learn the first time to not roll in coyote poopies.

I owe AM an entire bottle of rice wine vinegar. And, expensive smoothing shampoo. Not that Pucker needs smoothing; it makes it less likely I can pass off some of the bulges as her being "fluffy".

While I suffer most of the indignities afforded to pet owners? With as much grace and aplomb as I can muster (tough, I admit, while carrying around palmfuls of poop in an open bag) in all kinds of weather. I'm the friggin' postman, with a lot less exciting packages. I'll trim nails, trying to carefully snip, wrestling your entire writhing body to the ground so as to get to one paw (it's quite a workout, I think, like, 3400 calories come off me every time I trim her nails) without actually punching you in the head to quiet the never ending whining. I've swept, vacuumed, once, twice, sometimes more times a day, as you blow fur like no dog I've ever met; you prefer to leave it everywhere you go. Sofa. Bed. Floors. Chairs in the kitchen. In clothing.

I'll tolerate a lot from you in this bed - you're horked up pieces of gunk I can (and sometimes cannot) identify, blown into Jonathan's ear to the point he thought it was me, leaked some horrendous bio-agent type gas -

However.

Snatch-surfing, isn't one of them.

For some reason, it seems more acceptable for a male dog to be all up in his, uh, stuff; but girls? Should have far more pride. Yes, I understand cleanliness being right up there with Godliness - but since you greet others by smelling their asses, don't you want yours to reflect something other than your tongue?

Even if you don't?

I do.

Don't think now you're staying up here with me, my books and laptop - you can totally take you, your fur, and your well-licked can back to whence it came.

Only one bitch gets that kind of treatment in bed - I hate to break it to you?

It's not you.