Pride.

Funny, all the little things, that I've finally managed to accomplish about which I'm proud - I'm proud of me:

1. I went on a date, and wore something that I liked and felt good in; even if he didn't care much for the outfit. I wasn't dressing to impress him. (If you've been keeping up at all, you know I dressed to scare him off, but...well, that didn't occur. He's still here. Still lovely.)

2. Stood up for myself. (even if it was with J, in my kitchen, on a really little thing)

3. Asked M for my things back: not because I wanted on needed an excuse to see him, but because I finally got it: I deserve better. I'm worth more.

4. Organized my closet, with K, bless her heart, got rid of things that only made me feel...ugly...and kept all the stuff that helps me feel smart, and beautiful, and whole.

5. I baked a huge, three tiered lemon cake, for me - though I shared it with some of my closest pals, and J's mom, who was under the weather - but I didn't ask what everyone else wanted first. I did it for me.

6. Knew J was angry with me, and while I shook the whole time he Talked It Out Like An Adult (I took notes, by the way, on how to do that) we had the conversation. Which didn't end with me in tears, hiding, waiting for him to be un-angry anymore.

7. Got really angry, using something other than sarcastic bitter, ugly remarks about others and lashing out as a coping skill - I mean, I did some of that too - but I've found more constructive ways than shoving it all in a closet and waiting for it to go away on it's own.

8. Did my own eyebrows the other night, and actually managed a really great job, even though I was doing it with my glasses on (makes it way harder, and, you get wax all over the glasses too) as I couldn't recall exactly, earlier, why it was I was going to keep my contacts in. So I took them out as I slipped into After 5s.

I've looked at the list; I'm embarrassed to admit, that these things don't come naturally to me - I'm always the consummate people pleaser. Everyone is always more important that I am - except, they're not. I can't take care of anyone else, if I don't take care of me.

Not that I have to bring me my own flowers or anything: J's quite sweet about that - though I can tell him I don't like tiger lilly's, and he won't be upset. Not entirely sure yet, why Lovely J hasn't done the Great 100 Yard Dash for the hills - however, I'm keeping him around, if he'll have me, as I like him.