Backwash

Fox stole my water.

In the grand scheme of the World According To You, this may not matter all that much. In The World According To Me?

Matters a lot.

Now, my water, the water I lovingly poured over icy cold ice in the tall glass for myself, to go with the "dinner" I concocted from the spare contents of my pantry: yes, that meant Easy Mac and Pop Tarts, was offered to my son, before he left the kitchen. I would have happily poured myself another one. He didn't "care for one".

Thank you for using such lovely manners.

He got thirsty. Naturally. Easy Mac has enough salt in it to de-ice all the roads in our town, and maybe the next town over. I'm not terribly fond of Easy Mac, but I admit, it has a time and place in life - it qualified as something I needn't actually chew, but could swallow without much issue. Enter: glass of water. My water.

Not to harp here, but when I offered him a glass, of his own, to do with as he pleased? He didn't care for one...but my water looks so refreshingly ...well....refreshing, that he simply couldn't resist! I'm a good mom. I shared my water with him, only to discover that in The World According To Him, this means he drinks all the water, after supplying it with a fair amount of Claiming Water Backwash.

The trick lies in the backwash: just enough to piss me off royally, setting me up to refuse drinking anymore Backwashed Water With Floaties, because he's nearly 8 dammit, not 3 thus leaving entire glass of icy cold, already prepared, out of the kitchen in front of the tv water for his sole consumption.

Dude.

Not cool.

He knows what he's doing too - he's no dummy, my child. Oh, no. He's done this before, usually when we're having a "picnic" dinner on the sofa, lest he miss anything - like the annoying commercial from J. G. Wentworth, "877-CASH-NOW" - to which he enjoys singing along. He sucked the ice clear of water, and offered me the remaining chips, coated with Easy Mac Slime.

I've ingested so much salt, I'm currently turning into a pillar of it, drying up before his very eyes. We're at  an impasse: I used You Kill It You Fill It, but I'd guess I'd be waiting til the morning for water at the rate he's moving. Yes, I could get it myself, but then we're not really learning anything about sharing are we? Hmm?

I didn't think so.

I think instead, we've learned Mommy Is A Sucker Who Won't Touch Backwashed Water, which means  he can have the entire glass to himself. I think we've also learned that we both turn into stubborn asses when we're tired, cranky, and already settled into the couch for the evening - a trait I'd like to say he got from his father - but sadly, the tilt of that nose, the snotty twitch to the head? That's all me.

I've thought about stooping to his level: going to get a popsicle, only one, making him get off the couch too to get one. (soooo grown up of me, I know!) With my luck? Tonight will be the one night he doesn't care if he has one or not. I'll have gained no ground.

Instead, I'm sitting here bitching, getting thirstier by the second, waiting for my Man In Training to get his butt off the couch, and get his poor mama a glass of water. The dog? Rubbing it in. She's in the kitchen, slurping her water, deliberately loudly! so I  know she has water and I don't.

Fuck it.

I'll go get my own water. With fresh ice. And a popsicle.

He'll ask me why I've my Annoyed Face on, I'll tell him, he'll look at me with a totally blank stare, and say in that Man Hurt Voice, gee, all you had to do was ask.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH!

Right this very moment?

I still have no water.

Aha! The phone rang, ending the Great Stand Off of 2010.

How sad am I? I've entered into a stand off with my seven year old son!

Am now sufficiently cowed to go get my own water.

Putting my cranky self to bed.

Maybe, if I'm lucky, Prince Charming will call, take my mind off my irritation, and all will again, be Right With The World According To Me.