Wishing on a flushing star.....

Know what I wished for on my birthday candle? (okay, I made three wishes, but I'm only sharing one, as I already realize it will never come true)

I wished that Pucker would stop shedding.

As proof of the folly of this particular wish, the stupid bitch leapt atop me this morning, proceeded to not only sneeze directly in my face (yeah, good morning to you, moron) but shake, leaving a veritable snowstorm of fur behind. On new sheets. From the kids. Thoughtful kids. Stupid bitch.

I bought a brush.

She loves the massage part of the "brushing"....no fur attaches itself to tines of brush, nor falls onto deck. Hmm. Suspicious. Purchased Shed Ender; fails miserably. I'd return it, but she ate the box, so that's totally out of the question. Had I gotten it at PetSmart instead of Target? Returning might be an option - they totally understand the Well Chewed Box Return. So how is it possible that brushes, combs, vacuums, lint rollers all fail to detach a single fur from her well furred body, yet a simple sneeze releases such a flurry I cringe?

Explain that.

I've hoovered the floors so many times, followed by fantastic I'm still so in love floor cleaner, flushing wads of this stuff down the toilet (again, allow me to repeat: RJ TOLD ME TO. Since he also owns a hardware store, I'm guessing here, he totally knows what he's doing) - one of these days, the damn thing won't flush anymore, and it won't be RJ yelling at me. Laughing perhaps, not yelling. He won't have to fix it.

We all know who that will be.

At that point? J may very well wash his hands of the entire issue. I'll have to beg in the Big Guns: I'll be forced to call that gf in VA, whose bath I assisted in destroying - I mean - renovating, so she and her wonder kids and pets can come assist me in some toilet replacement. Including that really icky sticky wax ring thing. (ewww) Wall painting. Light fixture removal and replacement. Perhaps, this time? I won't even stick a drill through my hand.

Then again, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

She's two beagles, (or at least two beagle mixes, I can't totally recall) so I'm sure she completely gets the whole WTF on the Fur Front. If she even remotely cleans her floors as I do? SHE flushes plenty of fur as well. As we cemented a friendship over grouting tile, I figure it's only fair to ask her to help.

It'll be a sad day, I realize.

Admitting Fucker Up And Shoot Me took out a wall corner, down to the steel re-inforcement, my favorite shoe, the corner of the bottom stair, several army men, Lego guys and pieces, tampon applicators, six toothbrushes, 32 pairs of undies, three bras, four socks along with a host of Other Totally Inedible Items is bad enough.

Taking out a toilet?

That's a horse of a different color, now isn't it?

So I closed my eyes, facing (thank God) only one candle atop a Baskins Robbins cake, made three wishes.

One flushed, two to go.