Voice Overs

The words just tumbled out of me today - totally uncontrolled, white-hot, ugly; they burned both me and him. My tongue, his feelings, stung both our pride. I don’t know how to go back and undo that moment - and boy, do I wish I could - I went from tying to get away, and find a way to process the fact that I think he’s bored with me in bed, and maybe, out of it, and shit, maybe B was right, and I went from great to sucky in a short time, only to find that it’s not at all like riding a bike - maybe I just stayed bad in bed. I’m so egotistical to think I’m good in it - only to find I couldn’t get him….to…er…finish. So instead, as I lay there in what used to be Her Side of the bed, and then, took a shower in what used to be Her Shower, dried off with Her Towels, it just hit me…maybe, just maybe?

He wished I was Her.

I felt totally …. shamed. All these things that B used to say, that I’d shoved behind this huge door, and stuffed a fat man in front of, came flooding back, and I’m driving, to get H, and he’s called, left a message - he thinks that I found something, or something happened to H, and I wouldnt’ tell him - and he just doesn’t get it. I should - no, I need - to talk to him, not leave him wondering what in hell happened. Only in my head, I only hear B, and his white-hot words flooding my mind, screaming in my ears, making me doubt every step I’ve made since then.

Why am I to think that someone might fall for me?

How do I start that conversation? The one raging in my head, with voice overs of B, drowning out every sane thing I’ve got to say, pounding into me I’m Stupid, Useless, A Really Lousy Lay, I would be Lucky To Have Him Love Me, No One Else Will.

What am I supposed to say? I feel a failure for not getting you off? I wondered if you’d rather I was a long legged blond who treated you so poorly it makes my stomach churn and my heart ache? That maybe, somewhere along the way, I think perhaps a tiny piece of me has fallen for you, and I can’t let that happen, because you won’t? I won’t be the first one to share my Halloween candy; I’m not sending cards I won’t get back, or emails that go unanswered; I won’t be That Girl who falls for Mr. Unavailable.

Been There. Done That. He married someone else.

Nope. I have to call him back, attempt to be gracious, and get time to marshall my thoughts, frame my words - and then he just…pressures me into telling him, and he got this voice, like it wasn’t important, and he didn’t even call me back. I … snapped…something ugly, uncalled for, mean. Really mean. Low even. I immediately apologized - but, like all burns, it was too late. All the butter in the world was not going to soothe this one.

He thinks I wanted an apology! I don’t want - nor do I need - an apology from him - and that’s whats quite confusing; how we went from the fact that I feel a failure, to I was blaming him! I’d never blame him for my feelings….

Either way, it seems, the outcome is the same. I’m going to bed with no goodnight call. Without his voice in my ear.

More alone than I’ve felt in a long time.