There are some days, that I want to just shake this friend of mine, until she gets it. She had two boys. P, and S. Aged nearing 4, and 2 1/2, respectively. They have NO rules. Oh, she bitches about their behavoir, but she’s yet to make that connection between how she’s not raising her boys, and how they fail to be good (or even barely passable) members of society. Case in point: P gets removed from camp today, for biting, and punching. This is before the swearing, and disrespect to authority figures. She calls me. Lets loose.

My mistake?

I asked her what she planned to do to punish him, and she says (I shit you not) “I’m not really sure.”

I expect this to be followed swiftly with several suggestions on her part, for appropriate punishment. Something to drive it home, without a shadow of a doubt, that THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVOIR.

Silence.

She’s got….nothing.

The further you get from this incident however, the less effective the punishment is going to be. Trust me on this one. I have a five year old. One that gets invited to bday parties, playdates, gymnastic classes, and meets little friends everywhere he goes. He’s not always been so socially accepted: some of you might recall the horror and nightmare I lived through when he got expelled for biting. At a YEAR old. How we got asked (and then told, in some instances) to leave the program we payed to attend, as in, RIght This Very Second. I recall, vividly, my lack of outside stimulation, and the resulting depression that gripped us both that winter, because, really, there is nothing quite like a biter. It’s right up there with having to put a bell around your neck, and scream Leper!! as you round a corner. Worse yet, you can try to hide your biter, in non-descript clothing, but you’ll never really succeed. The playground will still clear when your car pulls in, party invitations dry up, and even family has issues with taking on your child.

Which is where she is; the difference, you might notice, is that my child outgrew (with some extra-firm assistance, might I add) his ugly habit before his second birthday. This kid? Been biting for years. Punches. Swears. Is a total brute of a kid, with an attitude. Granted, some of it is personality - he’s a bit stubborn, and he likes having his own way. I see corporate bigwig writen all over him, if he stops tasting the competition. Her own family won’t even babysit, and she thinks they are being judgemental!

I took a deep breath, and forged ahead - and no, I may not get a return call from her for a bit yet. I told her, that her friends and family are a good barometer for her child’s ability to “make nice and play with others” a skill that will stand him in good stead for places like kindergarten, soccer, playdates, bday parties, being anywhere really. Getting a handle on his bossiness (read: he orders her around like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I was married to the worst offender - this kid has B nearly topped) and his “behavoir quirks” are going to the be the one point that keeps him from being anything other than home-schooled.

Mostly, it boils down to, she cannot handle him. I know, that sounds bad. And I feel badly for saying it - but she’s either got to put her foot down, and a boot up his ass, or get ready for some serious alone time. I’m the last friend she has, that has kids, that will be with her kids on an outing. My patience is starting to wear thin…and not just with P. I find it quite tough to deal with her, when her child is nasty to me or my son, and she refuses to do anything, but then sulks when I do say something to him. She wants the chance to dicipline him - go for it! But then, for fuck’s sake, DO.

I’m no longer going to dismiss his punching my son when he doesn’t get his way, as it’s a phase he’ll outgrow, or, my other favorite, I’ve talked to him. He’s not 30. He doesn’t give a rats ass what you think - you’re not getting through. The thing with parenting this type of issue, I’ve discovered (and, there is a wealth of information from respected professionals in the field that support this - where do you think I learned it?) is this: you need a two pronged attack. One, surprise is your best weapon. Your brat really doesnt’ buy that you’re going to do whatever it is you just said you were going to do. Second, go for the jugular. Tell him his tv watching days are over. Then prove it. Unplug the tv - or, better yet, (and yes, I did do this) cancel the cable. That’ll really get him going. Now. Go into your bomb shelter, and wait for the sure to result pre-K fallout.

And this is where I’m really pissed at her - there. is. no. follow. through.

When I tell H that he’s lost his tv, that means, I’ve lost it too. At least til he crashes. She doesn’t ascribe to “putting herself in jail” as she calls it.

I wonder, do you think she knows that in the state of MA, if her child is under the age of 12, and seriously injures another child she’s held accountable?

When P attacks someone, (or eats them, which is really only a matter of time) she won’t be putting herself in jail.

Some other mother will do it for her.

She can, I suppose, worry about “handling P” however she sees fit, as soon as she’s released.