J came over last night!! Skipped the coffee, which was fine - I’d forgotten to wash the filter anyway - and we chatted, kissed, hung out, made out on the couch like teeny-boopers (which I’ve never done, really, without it going somewhere - which it didn’t) and all the while, I feel like he’s 20 degrees off. Like he’s not quite himself.

Okay, so it’s been three weeks since he’s seen me in any capacity, so maybe that’s part of it - but then, in a total fit of I’m A Nosy Girl, I Cannot Leave Well Enough Alone, I sent a late night text, just to check on him - and he’s afraid that I’ll want to go faster than he is! Which is quite amusing. As …… I don’t.

I like things the way they are. The fact that I never have to worry about it going too far, or the ramifications of where we’d be, with three kids in the middle, and two crazy ex’s and that he’s not about to have any more kids. I did ask him, why on God’s Great Green Earth he’s think that I was already so far ahead? He’s the one that talked about not wanting any more kids, and I do. He’s the one that was using sentences starting with “in a couple of months…” not I. So it’s mostly against my nature to not jump first and see where I’ll land later; but this time around, I suppose, I’m older, wiser. Or really, a lot less limber.

I no longer have it in me to leap off emotional cliffs without at least peeking over the edge - and, as S always tells me, why get ahead of yourself? Just see where it goes. It may go nowhere. We may just end up great friends, who’ve made out a couple of times. Who like to laugh, and get along really well.

On the one hand, he’s right: the kid issue looms large if this goes anywhere. But. I feel as though they’re bigger fish to fry at the moment - like how he uses words that I consider a little…offputting. Sexy, kind of? But, mostly not. That he’s all about communication, but then clams up on me, and won’t talk to me.

But mostly, I think for the first time, I’m less worried about what he thinks of ME, and more concerned with what I think of HIM.

I think he’s a great kisser. And, he makes me laugh. It’s enough.