In Living Color.

Unforntunately for me, I recall all of last night. In horrendous living color.

I think I should be flogged, for outrageously inappropriate behavoir, even while completely shattered - not, mind you, that I think I shouldn't be held completely accountable. I should. And am. And doing an excellent job of punishing myself - not really, that I need to: my text message this morning did it all for me. Gah.

Am going to go plant some trees. Dig in the ground. And hope the hole is big enough to fall into. Head first.

I've done the work to get over losing the marriage - or, as much as one can do, really, as it's a work in constant progress - but, like I said. I did the work.

Now. I need to do the harder work, and get over the only other person with whom my heart resides, as he's Not. Mine. He's. Hers. And I need to accept that. Honestly? When I'm rationally sober, always a toughie there, boy, I tell ya, I get it that we'd most likely kill each other - he's self-centered, and spoiled, has terrible taste in shoes -he wears mandals, for heaven's sake! and ripped up shirts - and he hogs the closet space, and is a total neat freak. He likes other people's children, mine included, but isn't sure he wants any of his own. Or, should I say, no sure he did. Maybe he does with Her. When I'm plastered, seven sheets to the wind, on tequila, and sitting with every other Smug Affectionate Couple, I want to pull my teeth and what's left of my hair out.

Naturally, I'm too vain to do either of those.

However. It does inspire a great deal of absurd texting - in which he FULLY participated, mind you - but I started it. Wrong. On SOOOOOOO many levels. But now, this morning, to find one that says to not text at all this weekend, he's unavailable - I think maybe, the humiliation of last night, coupled with this morning harsh light of day is going to cure me once and for fucking all for wanting him.

Keep your fingers crossed. I need all the help on this one, I can get.

And maybe, when I'm loaded? someone should take away my phone for a while, til I prove I'm enough of a grownup to use it responsibly