Tits on a boar

Fox asked me why men have nipples. Naturally, he was in the tub at the time, soaping up, and as he says, "got to thinkin'".

They're pointless, as they do not feed babies, they sit there, under your clothes, and sometimes, on some people, grow hair.

Will mine grow hair?

I've no idea, to either of those queries.

One, I looked it up in the anatomy book for my classes: no one seems to have any idea why men have nipples - let's face it, it's not as though suddenly they are going to take over the growing of baby followed by actually feeding one. How do I know this? Most men (heaven forbid I include one with the constitution of a Viking) can hardly handle the Common Cold. A visit from Mother Nature herself, not just once, but monthly? Dear. God. Above. If the thought of momentary blue balls scares most men into finding out what internet porn is all about, cramps would send them straight to the gallows.

Perhaps, men have nipples so they don't feel left out. Left out of what, exactly, I'm not sure - but that was the only plausible answer I could come up with on such short notice. Perhaps, it's so we (read: women) have something to focus on other than a great, gaping, white belly at the beach; the hair part? I explained, was genetic. Some guys get hair, some guys don't. You know, Almond Joy's got nuts, Mound's don't.

Prepare yourself, for this one brought me to my knees: did my grapefruits have hair?

Uh........no. Ladies do not, as a general rule, grow hair on their nipples. They exist, on us, to provide a useful function, and growing hair would detract from that function. You don't drink out of a bottle covered in dog fur, do you? I thought not. So, again, I explained, genetically, ladies don't have hairy nipples. They are designed as a food source; a new baby would choke on hair. I gagged just thinking about it.

I was aiming for a matter of fact voice.

I think I was failing.

I did have the This Isn't Phasing Me In The Least Face on. I was beginning to reconsider the whole Let's Be Comfortable Discussing Our Bodies thing, telling him to wait until the 8th grade, when he could ask some health teacher all these questions, and perhaps, she'd have a more reasonable answer than I do. He won't wait until the 8th grade, and heaven help me if he suddenly starts inquiring in the middle of his third grade classroom. Since they've already been treated to the delightful discussion on how to perform a thoracotomy, I figure, I should spare them this conversation.

I struggled on for a bit longer...perhaps they provide a focal point for the muscles that house the mediasteinum, which hides your heart and lungs in the safety of your ribcage. Perhaps, they're used as a navigating tool when assessing nerve and muscle function. Or maybe, they're there so you and your friends can flick them when your being stupid.

Google, ps., is fabulous.

According to Google.com, (which then referenced the New England Journal Of Medicine) there is indeed a reason men have nipples: Darwin skipped deleting the nipples on men when selecting out the "unneeded" pieces of male anatomy. That's right. Darwin decided (or Mother Nature's version of evolution....could be She was going for faster maturity rates, thus leaving pointless chest accessories intact) there were bigger fish to fry.

It is also true, that the "male" parts of a zygote (fancy word for the pre-polywog state of gestation) form after the female parts - ie, the genetics to build the outside is carried by the smarter sex - the X chromosome, whereas, the "after thought" pieces come from the Y chromosome. Really, in technical terms, it would appear the only thing a Y chromosome does is add a penis, and delete a good section of impulse control.

Well.

I'm pretty sure that was the intention of the author; the article got rather boring rather quickly, so I skimmed over the boring parts, filled in some blanks, and voila'! I may now explain to Fox, why it is, exactly that guys have nipples.

He wanted a flashier reason.

He was less than impressed.

So if this guy Darwin, was supposed to delete nipples on men, because they don't do anything, and that's what happens when stuff evolves, then why do women have hair on their legs that they shave off?

Good question, Fox, good question.