'No pants.

Snow pants: dug out from closet. Both pairs.

That's right: I have two, nearly identical pairs of pink (gee, shocker, I know) snow pants. Technically, boarding pants, but why split hairs? Pay attention to the nearly identical portion of that last statement....one pair is for use on ski slopes, long walks with people, or those days when I'd like to masquerade as somewhat cutie, while staying warm, knowing in my heart that I resemble one of those colored marsh-mellows. The ones with no waist.

The other pair is Pucker's Pair. The no-no-no!!! pants. The I Tried To Stop Her From Ripping Them Open Pants, but wasn't quick enough.

Since she ate through one of the lower cargo pockets to get at something she deemed fabulously tasty (read: smashed up Tums, all three of them, along with the plastic bag - yes, all accounted for, we may breath a sigh of relief) I have this pair simply for walking Stupid. As I am still generally carrying around an open bag of poop, awaiting her latest prize before dumping, I highly doubt anyone even notices the tear in one leg of the pants. I'm not even sure eyes wander past the open, now steaming, plastic bag.

I thank the Big Guy upstairs that the bags, the sturdy ones are black. They tend to hide the "prizes" I still find.....it's one thing to carry around poop. It's quite another to carry around poop wrapped up in a Snickers wrapper. Or, the glittery ones - note to self: glitter on ornaments is lick-able, removable, and does not, I repeat, does not break down in the digestive tract.

It's certainly festive. I'll grant her that.

Nothing say It's The Holidays! like red and silver sparkly logs. Or the glitter in her teeth. I think Santa might be bringing her her own toothbrush, and awful smelling toothpaste. Now, I might not have been brave enough to take this on, but really, I simply cannot have her running around smiling at all and sundry with glitter stuck in her teeth. We'll all tell a stranger that they've spinach hanging from between their front teeth - unless we don't like them, in which case, we simply carry on, letting them show off their inability to detect foreign substances between their own teeth, waiting to see who will belly up to the table to tell them: Dude, they're's like, stuff, between your teeth. Here's a toothpick.

There is so much to take in when we walk these days - I would know - I caught a glimpse of the pair of us, ready for our Morning Constitutional: snow pants, mittens with snow flakes on them, Morning Hair on full display, ratty pink snow pants, Fattypants in her coat, glitter in her teeth. Quite akin to stumbling across a horrific traffic accident, or, someone trying out the new legging, long off the shoulder sweater cinched with a low belt look with ankle boots - you're not quite sure where to look first.....staring at all of it to take it in? Absolutely.

Other people in the neighborhood, Dog People, we know as the weather gets colder, we may only identify either by the pup on the lead, the pup in a coat we recognize on a lead, or, perhaps, maybe, the coat on the human. I have trouble identifying some folks I speak to regularly, (pre-poop stops, obviously) when dressed in winter gear.

I do not have this problem.

Everyone knows who I am.

Sadly, it's not by my dog, or even by the Slimming Coat she has, with the big black stripe down the back.....

No.

I'm the only one around, known by my 'No Pants.