My phone buzzed; speak of the Devil himself. Wanted to know where I was; what I was doing. Told him, in text, that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. That I didn't want the money he owed me. He was completely dead to me. D.E.A.D.
I knew he'd cheated on me; but to try to sleep with a friend? Seriously? And, to find out with whom else he slept? While we were TOGETHER??
And I called J, my Lovely J, getting into such a froth while driving that M could get so pissed at B for doing the very same things to me and M was doing! Hypocrisy at it's finest. J asks me, why should I care? I shouldn't give a rats ass about M; he's old news. On some level, I think J kind of gets the point; after all, he's still pissed (rightfully so, if you ask me) that his ex slept around, left him for someone else. It still eats at him. I am beyond gobsmacked to find this stuff out - and frankly? I don't want to know. It was hard enough to find out I'd been replaced, while I was still in his bed.
Now?
I'm embarrassed. Not that I can pinpoint why, other than maybe I'm humiliated I didn't see it, or I wasn't smart enough to leave when he fooled around on me; or maybe, because it's still what I do, I take the blame. Only I'm not the one that fucked up.
If I'm totally honest - the kind that comes with laying awake, in the dark, in the middle of the night when you can admit things to yourself you could never admit in the daylight, because then other people might guess what you're thinking, and it's too raw, too hot, for anyone to know about - I needed to tell J, to hear him remind me that it's not my fault, and while he didn't come right out and say it, just hearing his voice reminds me: I don't ever have to worry about this with him.
I think. No, I know. Mostly.
I want to believe it, really, truly I do - but then I sit and look at the people I've trusted, the people who helped me feel like I was never enough; and I just.....can't ...go there again. While I'm talking, my boss calls; I take that call, the other line rings just as I'm finishing up.
4:57pm. I think it's Lovely J, calling before he gets on his conference call - only, it's not.
It's M.
Wants to know what I'm up to; if I'm around. Would I like some company?
I took a really deep breath, and very calmly (so calmly I think it scared him - it's never a good thing when I'm that kind of calm) that I was his friend first. Probably? His only true friend. He agrees. (I can tell you, he's not sure where this is going, and I'm not sure he really wanted to know -) I'm the only one that really knew- knows -you, even today, when we're not together, and we're not speaking, by MY choice for a change. As your friend, I'm telling you: do not ever call me looking for sex; don't try to talk to me about how you miss me, in bed, how great it was - because really? It wasn't. You made me feel like the only thing worth keeping was the physical part; and I will not be party to hurting MYSELF. I deserve better. I'm worth more. I won't go against something I believe in really strongly - fidelity - just because there were times I missed you so much I thought I might drown. More than that? I won't be party to you hurting yourself. I know what happens when you do. As your friend, and M? bear in mind it's tenuous at best right now, I'm going to tell you the one thing I told you three years ago when you asked me to take you back: make choices that make you happy. Don't do anything you wouldn't want to admit to in the daylight. Stop hurting yourself.
More than that?
I've never cheated. I don't plan to start now. Not with you. Not anyone. Ever. M tells me he's fucked up - I agree - he left me, ME! for some woman with a stupid yappy fucking dog, and he's moving in with her, and already cheating - and yeah, he fucked up BIG trying to come to ME to do it with. Did he not understand the text? Can he not read? He's fucked up, he says, again. Yep, you are. And that's your problem, not mine.
I didn't bother to tell him this part - but I won't hurt me when I've met someone really great, who's really good to me. Who I really like - who, if I'm honest, I think I might possibly, maybe, be falling for, who is amazing to me, my son, my stupid dog, that sleeps half-way up his ass, every time he's over here, or we're there. Who knows that I can be a total basket case, with seven shades of fucked up hair, even in the middle of the day; how I don't sleep well at night, and he's always right there when I need him, even when he's miles away.
He said I could count on him. I made him prove it. In more ways than I care to admit - and some ways, I didn't even realize I was doing until much later (another one of those late night to myself admissions) - it's so odd; all the times I prayed to God to let M come back, let him be the guy I fell for, the one who made all these promises, the one I no longer had to prove myself to, all the time - and my prayers went unanswered.
God answered; he said no.
As usual, He was right. I'd find someone worthy of me, who was everything I'd ever dreamed of and more.
He was right.
J may not see why finding out who, or how many M cheated on me with bothers me - but he listened to me. He always listens to me, even when I'm being a fruitcake, or borrowing trouble, or trying to work something out for myself. I'm Just Me, when I'm with J, Just Me. I don't have to be anyone else. I like him as just him; just don't tell him the falling for him part. He has to fall for me first.
I was never sure I'd ever believe anyone when they said they'd be faithful, that they were a one woman kind of guy - driving home from Starbucks, it ate at me - everyone I'd ever trusted took advantage of that. I really wanted to believe that J wouldn't do that, that he'd never hurt me like that. That he's a good guy....all the while knowing a teeny tiny piece of me still worried, still gnawed at the edges of a very raw wound, that someday, he'd meet someone else more alluring, funnier, better looking, sexier, more...sane. Put together. Less prissy.
Getting off the phone, I'd wanted to hear J's voice, telling me something - anything - but he's on a conference call. Which is okay. I suppose, I wanted him to get it, even if I didn't say it over the phone - that he was right. It's not my issue. And? That nagging worry I had? It's gone.
I do trust you.
With everything.
I already have.
I did right from the start.
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