Tits on a boar

Fox asked me why men have nipples. Naturally, he was in the tub at the time, soaping up, and as he says, "got to thinkin'".

They're pointless, as they do not feed babies, they sit there, under your clothes, and sometimes, on some people, grow hair.

Will mine grow hair?

I've no idea, to either of those queries.

One, I looked it up in the anatomy book for my classes: no one seems to have any idea why men have nipples - let's face it, it's not as though suddenly they are going to take over the growing of baby followed by actually feeding one. How do I know this? Most men (heaven forbid I include one with the constitution of a Viking) can hardly handle the Common Cold. A visit from Mother Nature herself, not just once, but monthly? Dear. God. Above. If the thought of momentary blue balls scares most men into finding out what internet porn is all about, cramps would send them straight to the gallows.

Perhaps, men have nipples so they don't feel left out. Left out of what, exactly, I'm not sure - but that was the only plausible answer I could come up with on such short notice. Perhaps, it's so we (read: women) have something to focus on other than a great, gaping, white belly at the beach; the hair part? I explained, was genetic. Some guys get hair, some guys don't. You know, Almond Joy's got nuts, Mound's don't.

Prepare yourself, for this one brought me to my knees: did my grapefruits have hair?

Uh........no. Ladies do not, as a general rule, grow hair on their nipples. They exist, on us, to provide a useful function, and growing hair would detract from that function. You don't drink out of a bottle covered in dog fur, do you? I thought not. So, again, I explained, genetically, ladies don't have hairy nipples. They are designed as a food source; a new baby would choke on hair. I gagged just thinking about it.

I was aiming for a matter of fact voice.

I think I was failing.

I did have the This Isn't Phasing Me In The Least Face on. I was beginning to reconsider the whole Let's Be Comfortable Discussing Our Bodies thing, telling him to wait until the 8th grade, when he could ask some health teacher all these questions, and perhaps, she'd have a more reasonable answer than I do. He won't wait until the 8th grade, and heaven help me if he suddenly starts inquiring in the middle of his third grade classroom. Since they've already been treated to the delightful discussion on how to perform a thoracotomy, I figure, I should spare them this conversation.

I struggled on for a bit longer...perhaps they provide a focal point for the muscles that house the mediasteinum, which hides your heart and lungs in the safety of your ribcage. Perhaps, they're used as a navigating tool when assessing nerve and muscle function. Or maybe, they're there so you and your friends can flick them when your being stupid.

Google, ps., is fabulous.

According to Google.com, (which then referenced the New England Journal Of Medicine) there is indeed a reason men have nipples: Darwin skipped deleting the nipples on men when selecting out the "unneeded" pieces of male anatomy. That's right. Darwin decided (or Mother Nature's version of evolution....could be She was going for faster maturity rates, thus leaving pointless chest accessories intact) there were bigger fish to fry.

It is also true, that the "male" parts of a zygote (fancy word for the pre-polywog state of gestation) form after the female parts - ie, the genetics to build the outside is carried by the smarter sex - the X chromosome, whereas, the "after thought" pieces come from the Y chromosome. Really, in technical terms, it would appear the only thing a Y chromosome does is add a penis, and delete a good section of impulse control.

Well.

I'm pretty sure that was the intention of the author; the article got rather boring rather quickly, so I skimmed over the boring parts, filled in some blanks, and voila'! I may now explain to Fox, why it is, exactly that guys have nipples.

He wanted a flashier reason.

He was less than impressed.

So if this guy Darwin, was supposed to delete nipples on men, because they don't do anything, and that's what happens when stuff evolves, then why do women have hair on their legs that they shave off?

Good question, Fox, good question.

'No pants.

Snow pants: dug out from closet. Both pairs.

That's right: I have two, nearly identical pairs of pink (gee, shocker, I know) snow pants. Technically, boarding pants, but why split hairs? Pay attention to the nearly identical portion of that last statement....one pair is for use on ski slopes, long walks with people, or those days when I'd like to masquerade as somewhat cutie, while staying warm, knowing in my heart that I resemble one of those colored marsh-mellows. The ones with no waist.

The other pair is Pucker's Pair. The no-no-no!!! pants. The I Tried To Stop Her From Ripping Them Open Pants, but wasn't quick enough.

Since she ate through one of the lower cargo pockets to get at something she deemed fabulously tasty (read: smashed up Tums, all three of them, along with the plastic bag - yes, all accounted for, we may breath a sigh of relief) I have this pair simply for walking Stupid. As I am still generally carrying around an open bag of poop, awaiting her latest prize before dumping, I highly doubt anyone even notices the tear in one leg of the pants. I'm not even sure eyes wander past the open, now steaming, plastic bag.

I thank the Big Guy upstairs that the bags, the sturdy ones are black. They tend to hide the "prizes" I still find.....it's one thing to carry around poop. It's quite another to carry around poop wrapped up in a Snickers wrapper. Or, the glittery ones - note to self: glitter on ornaments is lick-able, removable, and does not, I repeat, does not break down in the digestive tract.

It's certainly festive. I'll grant her that.

Nothing say It's The Holidays! like red and silver sparkly logs. Or the glitter in her teeth. I think Santa might be bringing her her own toothbrush, and awful smelling toothpaste. Now, I might not have been brave enough to take this on, but really, I simply cannot have her running around smiling at all and sundry with glitter stuck in her teeth. We'll all tell a stranger that they've spinach hanging from between their front teeth - unless we don't like them, in which case, we simply carry on, letting them show off their inability to detect foreign substances between their own teeth, waiting to see who will belly up to the table to tell them: Dude, they're's like, stuff, between your teeth. Here's a toothpick.

There is so much to take in when we walk these days - I would know - I caught a glimpse of the pair of us, ready for our Morning Constitutional: snow pants, mittens with snow flakes on them, Morning Hair on full display, ratty pink snow pants, Fattypants in her coat, glitter in her teeth. Quite akin to stumbling across a horrific traffic accident, or, someone trying out the new legging, long off the shoulder sweater cinched with a low belt look with ankle boots - you're not quite sure where to look first.....staring at all of it to take it in? Absolutely.

Other people in the neighborhood, Dog People, we know as the weather gets colder, we may only identify either by the pup on the lead, the pup in a coat we recognize on a lead, or, perhaps, maybe, the coat on the human. I have trouble identifying some folks I speak to regularly, (pre-poop stops, obviously) when dressed in winter gear.

I do not have this problem.

Everyone knows who I am.

Sadly, it's not by my dog, or even by the Slimming Coat she has, with the big black stripe down the back.....

No.

I'm the only one around, known by my 'No Pants.