Surf's Up

It’s quite funny, isn’t it? The impetus to change, wherein it lies, or how it hits. Also, how many ripples in the lake it makes, on it’s way to finally hitting the shore -

In this case, it’s followed by the always hot, always steamy, always troublesome DF sighting, texting, and coming. As usual, the Moral Hangover followed, emails commenced, and he hit a nerve. A REALLY big one. He insinuated that I’d slurred his wife, whom I never refer to by name, mind you, and was derogatory in manner….

Let’s just skip ahead, shall we, past the moral issues, and the personal flogging, the breaking of all the promises I made myself …. and jump right to: he wanted to do it over email, as he knew how I get when I’m embarrassed, and he didn’t want to do that to me. He allows me to hide behind my moniter, my cell phone, my sense of pride and propriety. (sorely lacking, yes, I realize in several moments) And now? I’m pissed.

I think I’ve finally found Mel. In all her inimitable wisdom, her firey spirit, her Kiss Ass and Take Names attitude, the fact that I never was going to allow myself to become someone I didn’t respect.

I’m not hiding. I made an appointment to go see D, and tell him, once and for all, several things. First and foremost, like him, I do not want to lose a friendship with someone I like and respect, however, there are some new ground rules. This, for the record, is where the stone dropped in the lake, and the ripples just went on for miles. I’m not a pushover; I never was. I learned to hide from confrontation with B, and now that he too has pushed me again, to the wall and nearly over it, I’m starting small, and working my way up. I am GOING to tell D exactly how I feel (well, mostly, not the whole When Harry Met Sally kind of thing, or even the Best Friends Wedding part) just that the stupid chemistry needs to find a new outlet - whether it’s chatting about mundane things and working on being a grownup, to finally giving myself the chance to see him as a human, and not as the God I’ve put on the pedestal.

Next, I’m going after B, once and for all. Oh, I’ve said it before, but this time? I’m meeting with the lawyer, and redoing the divorce. I may even go and change the grounds under which I filed, but really, I suppose the whole finalized point is this:

Mel is back in town. And she’s not fucking around anymore.

Since when did I let pasivity and the Easy Button become my M.O.? Quite frankly, I’ve been standing under this avalanche, shivering, breathing shallowly because I know, I know that once I take a deep breath, or shift my weight, it’s all going to come crashing down. It has. The snow and ice, the detritus from so many things balanced precaiously on the edge smashed me in the head, and maybe, that’s all I needed. I should no longer be afraid of B, he should be afraid of me - isn’t that what I’ve worked so damn hard to acheive? Kickboxing for taking him on physically, finding ways to outwit him mentally, being a good parent, and good friend, only to find that in the end, I still feel like a caged animal without an escape hatch.

Someone important to me, who’s enabled me to be less than I can be, and should be, pointing out that he’s handed me the easy way out.

The Easy Button? It works for Staples. Not for Real Life.

If I’m really the grown-up I say I am, then it’s time: I’ve unearthed her. I don’t know where she’s been hiding, and yes, I too think it’s odd, rediculous, yet strangely inspiring, that the one man whose hold over me has never waned, is the one setting this - unknowingly! on his part - in motion.

I’d send him some white chocolate covered strawberries as a thankyou, but seriously. He’d think I meant more than I do, and it’s way to complex to explain it - plus, I think it shatter several of his pre-conceived, and possibly at some time correct notions about me - which I’m not ready to do.

Either way, in summation, the lake has the giant wake of the stone that got dropped - I’m grabbing my surfboard, and my suit - the cutie one - and I’m riding it out. For better or worse? I’m getting divorced. I’m taking my child, and my dogs, my pride and my self-respect, and we’re headed for shore.