I live, therefore I am. Or something like that.

My vacuum has shit the bed.

As, has, my washer. I'm unclear as to whether or not I've actually mentioned this, but since I'd totally forgotten (yes, really, I had) that the damn vacuum had shit the bed, I went ahead, pulled it out, and spent the last 20 minutes or so, trying to figure out why it was simply pushing the dirt around, not actively sucking it up. I took off the hose; unattached it from the um, say, working end (I obviously use that term quite loosely) and shoved long items into the hose looking for anything to gum up the works.

Came up empty handed.

Or, mostly. I mean, I found a crumpled up business card, which shocks me, as this wasn't a terribly fabulous vac to start, so I'm amazed it got that up there in the first place. Plus some lint. And cat hair, from the previous owner - how long, by the way, does it take to remove all the flipping cat hair from one measley condo? More than a year apparnetly.

I moved on, to checking out the motor-like-thingie in the front; the power parts that should move the little brushie thing round and round, so it sucks stuff up. Nothing wrong on that end - not like I've any clue what exactly I'm looking for, but I'm addressing this whole issue with the elan that I do everything in life: I'll know the problem when I find it.

I can't find anything.

If I didn't know exactly what this instrument of elctrical bliss was supposed to do (pick up the crap on the floor so I don't have to either sweep, or get down there and lick it up) I'd have some serious questions about the inherent concept. It appears as though it should work. All the pieces seem to be attached.

Lastly, and, in my book, most importantly, it turns on.

Like that famous guy says, It makes noise, Therefore it does suck.

Which explains my theory on most men, but we're not discussing the male population in general. Nor, am I addressing anything specific: M is just fine. He had an attack on the Common Man on Saturday, and took to trying to behave as though his knuckles suddenly met the ground, and he ruled the world. He's thankfully, recovered. Completely. To being Just Lovely All Around.

Now, I'm left with a cheesy vac (my mother bought it, cheapskate) that doesn't do anything it's supposed to, and, the washer. Have I mentioned the washer? Currently, it's taken to leaving large, black tarry marks on all my clothes, particularily the white ones, from Lilly P, and I cannot fathon what Its issue is either. The water goes in. The soap discharges. There are no Icky Marks or Ugly Floaties left in it when it's finished, so these....marks....just randomly appear. Not every wash either - so just when I'm starting to trust it again, WHAM, I get Icky Black Marks.

I'm currently doing the math: if I bought a Dyson, which is the vac I'd want (not really the one I need, but those two concepts never really meet) I'd be dropping about $500. IF I got a cleaning lady, and she had her OWN vac, and she charged me $50 a visit, I could have five months of a twice monthly cleaning lady. However, since she's also doing the dusting, the mopping, the bathrooms and the stairs - windowns and sills! - the vac portion of that bill goes down considerably.

I rest my case.

Vacuums are rather expensive.

Cleaning ladies are a better value.

What I'm saving on the damn vacuum, I can invest in the washer. So I don't have to keep trying to convince M that my underpinnings do not go in the dryer.

If I'd known that a broken vac leads not to dirty floors but to cleaning ladies, I would've ruined it long before now.