The Wedding is over, and while the post-wedding weekend nausea still lingers, at least I don’t have to don a satin (which I looked really fat in) dress back on, and parade around in the biggest parody of familial harmony I’ve ever been party to. Yep, I read at the ceremony - even teared up in fact - but mostly? due to the fact that I got cheated, and the ceremony was lovely, not really because I believe in the couple. Oh, I know that sounds bad, and maybe it is - and perhaps, I’ve merely a jaded view right now of marriage, but really, this whole experience did not bring my sister and I closer together as my mother had hoped - it more proved to me why I married the jerk I did, and how to avoid that in the future.

Like by boycotting marriage altogher.

Except really? I don’t think I can do that.

I go places with M, all dressed to the nines, and he toasts my success with the big Holy Very Scary Department of Ins exam (which I took, and passed on the first try!!) and the closing on the new condo, and got all teary-eyed and well? My ring finger feels naked. It just….aches for something shiny, and platinum….not, mind you, that I’m saying it’s M. Heaven only knows who it will/might be - I’m just saying. It happens when he’s around. Of course, at the moment, he doesn’t want to get married, and, it’s not like either of us is even fully divorced yet (boy, is THAT dragging on…..but, I’ve a trial date! 12/05/07) but sometimes? I think even he thinks about it. Not necessarily with me, mind, just in general.

He’s very good to me. So good in fact, I’m not quite sure what to do with it - and while he’s still a bag of mixed signals, mostly, I think, he’s terrified of me. He’s convinced that if he falls in love with me, I’ll turn into the Broadzilla’s he’s married before, and will treat him like shit. Funny thing is, like the morning, when I picked up some printer toner, as he was out, he practically threw it at me, as it he cannot accept that someone wants to do something nice for him. I gave him an earful. Just how he does all these very thoughtful, wonderfully sweet things for me, the least he could do (and I mean the VERY least) is smile, say thank you, and feel touched that someone gives a shit enough to make sure he doesn’t spend three weeks bitching about not being able to print at his house, as he’s no toner. That just because Other People have made him feel as though he doesn’t deserve nice things done to and for him, doesn’t mean they are correct. More often? It means they were wrong.

That’s what friends are for. Right?

K. I”m off, to meet with A Possible New Barracuda Of A Lawyer…….as taking a stand is hard, but doing it alone is harder. Always always always have good ammo, and a mean neanderthal with a stick at your side if you can. That way, you can cower behind said neanderthal, goading them on from the sidelines, but avoiding any major bloodshed yourself.

At least, that’s my plan.