Wart on the butt of humanity

There has been a wart on my thumb, which I got, while cleaning out the bathroom in the house B and I bought from his parents. Yes, ewwwwww.

Clearly, B, is the wart on the backside of humanity. He is also a toad.

Coincidence?

I think not.

I've spent seven years now, trying everything under the sun to get of wart. And ex-husband. To no avail. Hmmm. Again, I ask you, co-incidence? Hardly.

I've decided that they are one and the same. It's the head of my idiot Ex on my left thumb (which, unless you're left handed, most folks think is the hand of the devil anyway, as it suits my purposes here, I'm running with that for the moment) waxing and waning with the amount of idiocy B displays. Flare up followed ugly trips to family court, including the one where my knickers and tights ended up around my knees, requiring that very unladylike yank at my backside; it's nearly disappeared, two years ago, at the same time that B did for eight weeks.

He showed back up. Made an ugly scene.

Fucker on my thumb showed back up too.

I've spent a fortune on Dr. Scholl's Wart Away sticks, burning stuff, band-aids, gel, liquids. I spent an entire summer with my thumb firmly under duct tape wrappings; only to piss off rat bastard. I've also spent a fortune on legal bills. Shocker, I know.

Summer's around the corner, and while most ladies I know are doing the Swim Suit Shuffle, nightmares of try-on rooms with horrible lighting dancing through their heads, I've one goal in mind: kill off both warts with one go.

Court date: July 22nd.

Kill off wart: July 22nd.

That's right. I've stepped it up a notch. This. Means. War. In January, I got quite annoyed, and decided (after reading a blog of some guy that does this for a living in CA, using a little surgery technique) that since I too was taking and Anatomy course, have done surgery on stuffed animals and minor wounds of my dog, can sniff out a gram-stain positive bacteria in poop immediately, that seriously, how hard could this be?

Famous last words.

I followed the instructions. First, numb area. (Ice. Lots of ice) Inject blood flow blocker. Hmm. Fresh out of that; got extra paper towels. Sterilize sharp cutting utensil; he used a scapel and the worlds smallest melon baller - I had a paring knife, and a grapefruit spoon - same thing, really. Apply alcohol to area.

Okey-dokey.

One hefty belt of whisky for me, one for the hand. One for me, one for the hand. One for me...and another one for me...we were off and cutting!

I swear I got it all. I dug down nearly to bone. Well. Maybe. I'm a wee tad fuzzy on some of the details.....but it was deep, that I can attest. I followed exactly what this guy did (did I mention he had his MD?) dig moat with sharp cutting tool. Use spoon tool to dig under entire wart, remove, ice, apply antibiotic ointment, wrap, and sober up.

I awoke the next day, to tingling in thumb. Unpeeled safety wrapping. Still. There. Tingling, I've heard, is sign of growth. Swore at a few things. Went back to original plan: apply acid based bandagey things, then pick and dig for a bit, reapply to choke off air, dig....you get the idea.

Here is it, months later, and I'm nearly there - on both accounts. I can almost see the finish line. B has basically handed me sole custody on a silver platter; my thumb has maybe, 1mm left to demolish, and then?

I'll be wart free.

Totally.

Everyone says you can't get warts from a toad.

Clearly, I've proven otherwise.

Keep your fingers crossed. With any luck, both warts and toad will cease to bother me on July 22nd.