True Colors.

Today marked the first day in three years that B and I have had a meaningful conversation regarding our child without a judge or cop present. 

I know - I'm blown away too. Even more blown away that I didn't have a complete panic attack when he crowded in the room behind me....with a little finesse, I ended up not having to sit next to him. (Though it was offered; I politely declined) Whew. Instead, I saw him up close, for more than two minutes; he got to hear about some of the concerns we have at school, whether they're founded (or not), and, most importantly in my book?

That Fox misses him, doesn't answer the phone because he cannot handle any more rejection from B about coming to visit. I thought it went so well - honestly, I was relieved. He showed a modicum of interest in his child, in his progress at school; took notes even. He wanted to be in on what was going on, how to move forward, how to get Foxy feeling better about some things - I actually (yes, I'm a moron) thought he'd had that moment, the one where he sees clearly, everything he threw away, and that maybe, just maybe? With a little work, and some face time, Fox might feel better about himself. He says' that's what he wants too......

(Solely for shock value, I'm quite sure- how do I know? Just wait)

 

We chatted about how Fox is overwhelmingly sad about B not seeing him that often; how he never comes to any school events - those were Fox's words, not mine; and I'd thought that perhaps, he'd heard. Heard. 

I asked (in front of the principal) if he was planning seeing Fox before he left - did he want to set up a pick up time? See? Do you see me? Knees shaking under the table still between us, my chest all tight and squinty - calmly asking him what time would be good to get Fox from him, as I was sure Foxy'd want to see him but-

He couldn't stay: it's Claire's birthday.

I asked him not to tell Fox that; he didn't need to know that B was choosing his girlfriend over his child...he says he's not choosing Claire over Fox, that's always what I said, that he picked everyone else but me, or Fox - except, wait, where are you going? What is more important here? And what kind of parent is she? Making a man choose between his son and her? 

Bloody cow.

He saw Fox for less than five minutes; did the whole Father of the Year routine for the army of specialists we sat with today, the I'm So Involved Parent I Took Notes, but you know what?

His true colors showed through.

Now, I'm off, to pick up the pieces, deal with the blame that I know will land on me, because after all, I did tell B not to say anything about Claire's birthday, so he'll need some excuse as to why he's not taking Fox. Anywhere. 

Only for me? I'm pissed that yet again, I didn't let B screw up with Fox all on his own. Why do I interfere? Why not just let Fox find out that his dad prefers the company of a woman who feels the need to leave not one, but a lot of bruised marks on his neck? Who sent text messages through the whole meeting, even though I'm quite sure she knew where he was. Not sure who has more control issues in that travesty of a relationship, him, or her.

I can't decide, yet again, did I do the right thing, and spare him knowing his dad finds anyone else more important that him? Or, am I hurting him more by shielding him further?

Sigh. 

I think we're having ice cream sundaes for dinner tonight.