Speed Networking....naked

I got invited, (or rather, I was summarily informed) that I would be Speed Networking, with a local Chamber of Commerce, along with my fellow business folks at large. I got up early. I mean, early. Dressed H, dropped him at a friend’s, and prepared as well as one can, for an experience I’ve been told is similar to Speed Dating, which if you ask me, sounds decidedly unsafe.

I think, on that front, I’d almost rather drop a card into a prison, letting a bunch of coralled losers know I needed a date. But then, perhaps, that’s only been my experience, and other’s have found speed dating useful, or (gasp, dare I even say it?) fun.

I applied make up. I perked up with four cups of coffee (my co-workers will tell you, that three of them were totally unnecessary, and, that usually I”m limited to only one) and began what would be a very interesting morning, to say the least. I went through my spiel (we’re wealth strategists, educating you on your personal economy…..etc) and, ended with the Required Question: what do we not know about you? I picked, I got a degree in acting, as was in a couple of movies, some broadway gigs, etc.

I did not say, for example, that I was an admin assistant, who, in her off time, manage to get a bunch of women together to sample, try on or out, lingerie and sex toys….she sat next to me. I think, she should have had two chairs, as she was clearly (and, to the horror of my all guy co-workers) about 400 pounds, and, since she abutted my personal space, I figured, seriously, if I complained, she could eat me, so I’ll keep quiet. Not a good plan, as it turns out, since She offered me a job. Apparently, I could really clean up in this business, and think about the client base I already have in place!

Is she for real?!

Hi, I’m a Wealth Strategist, who gets under the covers with your financials, and, er, (ahahahahah) under the bedclothes with you at home! Allow me to supersize your return, and your hubbies penis!!

The conversation, fell totally flat, as the entire table turned to stare first at her, and then, at me - granted, as a (I’ve been told) “total hotty” myself, I suppose I could model lingerie in some strangers livingroom, and maybe, I could tell them, perhaps, how to use one of those battery operated g-spot hitting O machines - but the thing is this: I’ve discovered a few things about myself, and without going too far into the TMI area, let me just say this:

1. I don’t know how to use one of those items. Yes, I own one. It is currently lost, and most likely covered in dust.

2. I don’t want to know how to use one, and I for damn sure don’t want to be educating others on how to do it either.

3. I have a very firm belief that Lingerie is a GIFT, not something I purchase for myself, (okay, fancy expensive bras notwithstanding) and while I’d love love love to have a maids outfit, with the short flirty skirt and tiny little ruffled panties underneath, I am NOT braving a store to buy it myself. I buy tampons. I buy Midol. I do not buy condoms, lingerie, lubricant, or sex toys.

4. I’m horrified, that this woman would look at me, ME! across a table, and say, Well now, there’s a lady who could really inflate my sales of x-rated items! In her own livingroom!

So, I left the table, basically agog, with my teeth on the floor. And then, while I didn’t use her name, I did tell anyone and everyone how shocked I was, that this….Chamber Visitor….used her time today, to try to recruit x-rated sales folks.

I don’t think she’ll be invited back. Or rather, in her case, will she Come Again